“You’ve been single your entire life. Does it ever bother you?” I asked a friend one night.

“Not really. I guess I feel lonely sometimes, but I look at the things my friends who are in relationships go through emotionally, and I don’t think I’m any worse off.”

“Are you eager to find someone who is worth going through all that stuff for?”

“Not particularly. I’ve got a lot of other things on my mind; I don’t spend much time thinking about it I guess.”

I had this conversation shortly after writing my entry about SoloPoly and Singlish. Being single was on my mind. You see, I’ve been “involved” with someone in one way or another since about the age of 13, from middle-school “boyfriends” who I would hold hands with and sit next to at lunch, to polyamorous relationships and other forms of ethical nonmonogamy as an adult. Though my Facebook status has read “single” for the last 3+ years, the truth is, I haven’t truly been “alone” in terms of romantic involvement in well over 10 years.

I’ve realized that my perception of “singlehood” is likely very different from others’. My perspective is that of someone who grew up in Los Angeles, where, by the age of 13, having a significant other was a prerequisite to having any social standing above “loner” at school. My perspective is that of someone who moved to St. Thomas at 16 and soon entered a 7-year relationship, which was completely normal in the new cultural context. At the ending of that relationship, I began navigating singlehood without ever straying too far from some kind of romantic connection. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, but because of it, I have wondered at my ability to be happy while being completely romantically alone. I have wondered at the ability of others, as well.

There are many studies about whether being married increases a person’s chances of being happy, and a few studies, I believe, about whether just being “in a relationship” does so. A study from MSU published in 2012 actually tracked people’s levels of happiness ten years before and after marriage and compared them to a control group of people who remained unmarried for the length of the study, and found that married people experienced a spike of happiness during their first year of marriage, then declined to pre-marital levels of happiness. Unmarried people’s happiness declined over time, leaving them worse off than married people, except, it appears, in the cases of unmarried people who cohabitate with a long-term partner.

As I search the internet for more of these studies, I can’t help but notice how much of the “happy and single” movement is moved by, and geared towards, women. The friend I had the conversation above with is a woman in her 20’s. She’s happy, if not wishing only for a more challenging career. I somehow expected that, as a woman, she would have experienced some doubts and loneliness about her singleness, if for no other reason than movies and songs and TV shows are constantly telling her that she’s supposed to be in a relationship.

Apparently not. I continue to find evidence that happiness is, ultimately, up to the individual. Perhaps the single people whose happiness declined over time were feeling less happy because they believed that they should have been married by a certain age. Perhaps positive attitudes about singleness could rectify much of this reported unhappiness.

Thoughts from people with perspectives besides my own?


Live Like You’re Dying

Honestly, life’s been great, and recently all of my revelations and thoughts seem to circle around to the same basic ideas:

Life is short, spend as much of it as you can doing things that make you happy, and try not to trample on the happiness of others.

The reason I haven’t been around much is that I’ve been doing just that. Not that writing about polyamory, nonmonogamy, and ethical sluttery doesn’t make me happy – it very much does – but I’ve been doing other things that make me happy as well, so much so that this particular thing has fallen to the wayside.

November is coming up slowly, and with it, NaNoWriMo. If I want to participate again, I should at least start thinking about what the topic of the new novel would be. I feel like my focus should actually be on editing Love Times Infinity, of course, seeing as I haven’t touched it since shortly after beginning this supposedly motivational blog.

Right. Motivationally distracting.

The new job I am now at is in a new location (Michigan), full of new people for me to meet, new classes for me to teach, new experiences for me to have. It seems so far like I’m going to be very happy here, and that excites me. Because I like happiness. Happiness is nice.

It’s not conducive to blogging, though. Sorry about that. I know that some of you find happiness in reading about these topics, and I could help aid you in finding happiness by writing about those topics (and I’d be happy doing it!). . .but tell you what – if you can’t find something to read about these topics one day, go work towards creating, and then carrying out, a list of things you want to do in the next five years. It’s helped me be happy.

Now, go!