Plenty of Fish in the Polyamorous Sea?

Man Scratching HeadWith raised eyebrows, my fellow conversationalist states, “well that certainly narrows down your dating pool.”

This is a common reaction I get after explaining that I’m polyamorous and don’t promise monogamy to potential partners. Funny thing is, I don’t think it’s necessarily true.

I think every one of us, monogamously-inclined or not, has a number of characteristics or relationship desires that narrow down our dating pools. A lot of people knock out about half the world population by preferring only to date one gender. A number of people prefer to only date people of a certain religion. Some also prefer partners who are waiting until marriage to have sex and live together, while others would prefer the opposite.

Some seek out partners with similar political beliefs, or similar goals in life. Some people want kids, some don’t. Some people want to get married, some don’t. Some people want to settle in one place together, others want to travel the world. There are those who won’t date people with tattoos, or people without cars, or people without jobs, or people with bad credit scores.

Here we all are, narrowing and narrowing our own dating pools, hopefully based on not what others want for us or what we think is expected of us, but based on what we think is essential to a good relationship with us.

So, yes, on occasion I run into someone I’m attracted to who prefers not to get involved with nonmonogamous people, just like you run into people you’re attracted to who turn out not to be right for you in some way.

But you know what? It happens less often than you might think.

Man with Eyebrows Raised

Leave a comment


  1. Hah! What an utterly comical and intriguing response by your “conversationalist”! I have found the exact opposite to what he/she presumes. Although, living in the conservative southwest United States (Texas) as a open/polyamorous lifer, I put myself in a position to be loved by many more, sometimes it ends up being more like ‘filler’ or used because of eventual issues, but sometimes too to be loved platonically; which has many benefits.

    His/her presupposition is based on what exactly? Experience? “Things that make you go…. Hmmmmm.”

  2. As I said, it’s a common response. I don’t know a lot of poly people in real life, and my profession has me traveling a lot within a pretty specific demographic – mostly, people in their 20’s who love summer camp and outdoor education. I think most people who respond in this way that I can recall are males, who perhaps think to themselves, “I’d never let my girlfriend do that,” and assume that most straight men feel the same way.


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