To Assume Makes an ____ of U and Me

A friend shared an amusing story with me last night, which I’d like to relay here.

She began by saying that she has a friend who she’s known for two years, and who has been trying to sleep with her since the day he met her. She’s been constantly having to resist his advances. Then she added that he had a girlfriend he’d been with for five years. “But,” she said, “it’s an open relationship.”

She paused there, so I hazarded an interpretation of her situation: “So, you’re weirded out by sleeping with people who are in relationships, even if they’re open?”

“No!” she laughed, “Let me tell you what I’m weirded out by. He has her permission to sleep with me, and he doesn’t seem to think that he needs MY permission! I’ll tell him, ‘no,’ and he’ll say ‘but my girlfriend says it’s ok!'”

I rolled over laughing.

It’s interesting to note that my own first reaction was to assume that she was squicked by the idea of sleeping with someone who was in a relationship. Clearly, that is what this gentleman is thinking as well: “What do you mean you don’t want to sleep with me? You don’t have to worry about my girlfriend; she gave me permission!”

For more than a few people in open relationships, I think it takes firmly ruling that out as the problem to realize that, hey, perhaps this person just doesn’t want to sleep with me, and wouldn’t even if I were single. I can’t recall if I’ve been guilty of this, though I know I’ve worried extensively about my existing relationships being a problem. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s once or twice lead me down the same road this gentleman has taken.

Something to consider of yourself if you’re “open,” I think, and worth talking about in the nonmonogamous community.

NaNoWriMo in 5 days!

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  1. LOL Well, I have to admit, that even being in an open relationship, knowing a guy is in an open relationship with a woman would kind of make me shy away from him. I think its something that just seems awkward to me at this point. Like if I met a guy I actually liked I would maybe still see him but it would squick me out thinking there is this woman that maybe knows all of our business and wondering what she thinks of me, etc. I’m not sure I’m ready to handle that sort of thing.

    Actually the guy I am seeing that I call the Professor was seeing another woman regularly before he met me but she is married and its only one weekend or so a month. Even that kind of bugs me because he has told her and her husband all about me and it feels like a violation of my privacy and our relationship. Its weird. :p

    • Everyone’s got their own comfort zone, and it’s understandable to be uncomfortable by the thought of not having anything truly be private between you and someone else. What I was struck by was really the fact that I, and probably other people, assumed that everyone feels the way you feel. Really, that’s not the only possible reason for someone to not want to sleep with someone else, but at least me and one other person don’t always think about that. 😛


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