Polyamory and Romance

I get the feeling that some people find polyamory rather unromantic.

To polyamorists, that may sound insane. How on earth could more lovers and more love being shared be unromantic?

And yet, inevitably, when people find out that I prefer to keep my relationships open, it seems to be assumed that I don’t participate in particularly “deep” relationships. Where is the romance if I don’t love someone so much that I designate them my One Twu Wuv and turn away all other prospective lovers as proof of my love for them?

I admit, the idea of promising someone monogamy is, to me, very romantic. Unrealistic, for me, but romantic nonetheless. I love you so much, that I’m willing to give up the chance to be with anyone else, just to be with you. So romantic. A little creepy, too. Also, that puts a lot of pressure on the other person to meet all of your needs. But, yes, romantic.

You may think that I’m working my way to a point of romance not being very important in the first place. You’re somewhat right; obviously I place romance lower on the hierarchy of crucial relationship elements (underneath honesty and good communication, to name two), but I by no means intend to say that it isn’t high up there. Because believe it or not. . .

do like a little bit of romance.

Write me love letters. Get me gifts that really show that you know me. Introduce me to your passions and let me share them. Teach me something new. Cook me dinner and light some candles. Cuddle with me. These things are all quite romantic, quite cherished by me, and do not require monogamy.

In return, I’ll happily write poems and songs, perhaps even some short stories, dedicated to the beautiful thing we share. I’ll text you at random times throughout the day just to tell you that I love you. I’ll take you to the beach and sit in the sand eating deli sandwiches with you. I’ll participate in public displays of affection that will have people thinking we’re newlyweds when really, we’ve been together ten years.

I, too, can be romantic. People don’t seem to get this. My desire for open relationships isn’t simply a desire for sexual freedom; it is a desire for emotional freedom as well. The freedom to love, even romantically.

So, if you fear my ability to make a commitment, or worry that your attempts at romance will be met with sneers from me: fear not. Instead, dive in, please, and I will welcome you with honesty and commitments I can keep.

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