Talking About It

I might be unique, but I’d rather be able to be completely honest with a romantic partner than not.

“You actually told your boyfriend that you wanted to sleep with other people?!”

Well, yeah. I find it a bit sad that this is such a shocking idea to so many people. What is love if not the ability to tell the person you love anything and everything, especially the truth? If you are hiding who you really are from someone, there is no way for them to actually love you; they can only love the limited version of yourself that you have presented to them.

It’s scary telling that kind of truth, because most of us are convinced that it will end in a breakup or “taking a break.” In my opinion, this isn’t the worst thing that can happen. I’d be much more unhappy in a dishonest relationship than in a relationship that had the potential to evolve based on mutual honesty and respect. Yes, respect. I actually find dishonesty with a partner to be disrespectful. Oh, the audacity!

And, if the relationship did end based on honesty, I’d rather that than it endure as long as I hid my innermost thoughts and desires from someone I loved.

Here is a potential approach to this situation: stay together, and work through and communicate about each other’s needs. You would be amazed at how much you can learn about yourself, your partner(s), and your relationship(s) when you actually sit down and communicate honestly (even bluntly!) with one another.

One amazing conversation couples should sit down and have is: what do you consider cheating? I’m not the first person to say this by any means, but unfortunately, many people start this conversation after they have already done something that they think might be cheating. Funny how there’s enough grey area on that topic for us to avoid the conversation until it might be too late, isn’t it?

When it comes down to it, I like the way it was once put in a livejournal polyamory group: cheating means breaking the rules. You make the rules of your relationship. If your rules allow for other partners, then it’s not cheating.

But that means you need to sit down and make the rules, and you need to get to that before something questionable happens, rather than after. It’ll probably be one of the greatest conversations you ever have with your partner, with the added bonus of opening up the ability to revisit the topic as needed down the line.

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